The Practice of Saying No…

There is something very freeing about saying “No”.  There have been countless times I have given into my addicts requests.  Handed over money, taken him to court, driven him all over creation, bought him countless articles of clothing, sneakers etc. etc. etc.  I have cleaned up many of his financial messes, paid his fines, fees and bills.

To the New Parents to this mess of addiction… I’ve done it all.  I’ve enabled and taken care of my adult child.  But a time finally arrived (and it will for you too) when enough was enough.  When I opened my eyes to what enabling was, stared at it in the mirror and said… No more!

That was nearly 3 years ago.  And just like anything else we undertake it takes practice.  Saying NO isn’t always easy, but it will become easier every time you say it.  There have been times over the last three years that I have caved in and said yes, thinking it was the right thing to do.  Sometimes it was, and it helped my son take a few steps forward.  But more times than not, its wasn’t the right thing to do for him, or for me.

That’s why the title to this is “The Practice of saying No”… and Not “ I’ve got this saying ‘NO’ thing down pat”.   Never mind there are times that saying YES is the right thing to do.  Keeping myself in-check is what is important.  Knowing in my heart what enabling is and being willing to process the request  before I say either yes or NO is what is important.  Being the parent of an addict isn’t easy.  A parent will always struggle with wanting to rescue their child.  But once we start practicing saying No, and begin to see the fruit of it we will be able to say it more and more.

Don’t be afraid to practice saying No!

Whatever It Takes.

For months I have prayed the words.  “Lord whatever it takes to turn my son’s life around”.   My personal version of the well-known verse from the Lord’s Prayer ‘Thy will be done”.  I have battled with my momma’s heart hoping, wanting to be part of the healing process, and vowing to stand alongside him to help show him the way.

All of which failed miserably.

God has clearly shown me I WON’T be the one or even one of the one’s who will help him.  I was perfectly ok with that abstractly.  It is my desire to see him living a sober life, moving forward, taking another good step each day, submitting his heart and life to God.  I say those things to myself, to him, and others all the time.

I will have to admit this morning when I saw his post on social media thanking another person, another “mother figure” in his life for guiding him, standing with him… all the things I vowed I would do as long as he stayed clean… it STUNG.  (Confession is good for the soul… and I am confessing).

And moments later I heard that still small voice in my heart say… “Whatever it takes… I AM using the WHATEVER… so Stand aside and let me.”

Standing Aside…and letting go

I’ve written about Tough Love, and Loving from a Distance.  These are hard concepts to wrap one’s parental heart around.  I recently read the above words;  “Standing Aside” in a friends status update on Facebook.  These words are a gentler way of saying Tough Love.

I honestly think that most parents of addicts berate the idea of Tough Love because of the very word TOUGH.  We think with our hearts instead of our heads and conjure up all kinds of reasons not to use it.  We are afraid that if we do act toughly they may end up worse off than they are right now.  We reason with ourselves that if we keep them at home we will know they are fed, warm, clothed etc.

This August it will be 3 years ago that my son was; fed, clothed, warm and laying on his bedroom floor of an overdose; unresponsive.  Thankfully the person with him knew CPR and to call 911, Narcan was administered and he was transported to a Hospital.  Where he then refused treatment.  And I then refused to let him live in my home.

For a short span of time he came home this past August.  It went relatively well for a time.  But now I am Standing Aside… Letting the natural consequences of the choices he has made happen.  These will either strengthen him and lead him to place of growth, sobriety and freedom.  Or they will send him backward.  But either way I am Standing Aside, Letting Go, and truly Letting God.

Letting Go – Author Unknown

To “let go” does not mean to stop caring, 
it means I can’t do it for someone else.

To “let go” is not to cut myself off,
it’s the realization I can’t control another.

To “let go” is not to enable,
but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To “let go” is to admit powerlessness, 
which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To “let go” is not to try to change or blame another,
it’s to make the most of myself.

To “let go” is not to care for, but care about.

To “let go” is not to fix, but to be supportive.

To “let go” is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.

To “let go” is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, 
but to allow others to affect their own destinies.

To “let go” is not to be protective,
it’s to permit another to face reality.

To “let go” is not to deny, but to accept.

To “let go” is not to adjust everything to my desires
but to take each day as it comes, and cherish myself in it.

To “let go” is not to regret the past, 
but to grow and live for the future.

To “let go” is to fear less and love more…”author unknown”

It’s His Road Now

Last night I had the privilege to speak to the officer who arrested my son at my home over a month ago.  He happens to be a very lovely and kind spirited man.  As we spoke I thanked him for how he handled my son and the whole incident.

He said to me:

“You have a long road ahead of you with that one”

To which I replied

“Ah but it’s his road now”.

The beginnings of that road he found himself on over a month ago were pretty difficult.  And I assure you, it was hard for me too, while a snow storm that packed 22 inches of snow on my front lawn was falling on him as he slept in a car.  It’s not a road I chose for him, not a road I wanted him to have to endure or the road I thought he’d have to go down yet again.  But on it he found himself.

Since that time, he has found a room to rent, taking steps every day to stay clean, is applying for jobs and caring for himself and the girl he loves.  The road is a little less treacherous; the wintery weather is all but over, he has a bed to sleep in once again and three meals a day.

He though, is completely in charge of the road before him.  He will choose his destination, draw the map to get there and find the strength to pursue it.    No matter which direction he goes in; back down the road of drug abuse, rehabs and jails, or down a new road, one that will lead him to a healthy joy-filled life.

Either way…

It’s his road now.

The Life of a Nomad

From Wikipedia:

“A Nomad is a person who moves from place to place as a way of obtaining food”

“The word nomad comes from a Greek word that means one who wanders”

My addicted son is a Nomad.  He has no true place to call home anymore.   For nearly two years he found shelter in many places;

baseball dugouts

abandoned houses

makeshift tents in the woods

parking garages

occasional couches in other addicts homes

rehab surfing

and the like.

For almost 6 months he had a stable environment, he lived back at home, warm home, with three meals a day, a hot shower, laundry and plenty of company.  For two of those months he even had the pleasure of a new bed.

Yet his addiction and his old behaviors have yet to take the high road, so he lives once again as a Nomad.  This time he’s spent the last few weeks living in a car with a short reprieve of rehab surfing, and coming to rest in another person’s home.

Will this Nomad of mine finally trade his wandering in and begin a new life?  He says he’s ready… Only time will tell.

And Then it Snows…

Just two weeks ago I had to have my son removed from our home.  Since then he has been living in his girlfriend’s car.  They did find their way into a Rehab last week, only to be released into the New England Snow storm last night.

It took every ounce of energy I had to NOT say… “just come home”.  One side of my mother’s heart belongs to my little man, and is determined to protect him from the insanity that has happened in our home.  The other side… wants to do the same for his older brother.  No parent wants to see their (adult) child homeless and living in a car during a snow storm none the less.  But I knew if I let them in last night it would only be a matter of time before it all started again.

It is my prayer that this will push them forward to change.  That hardship will make them look at the choices they are making with a new set of eyes.  All the while my eyes are leaking…

Being the mother (or father)of an addict is hard stuff… especially when they are homeless and it snows.

What I DID and DIDN’T DO

I did teach you to walk ~ But I didn’t teach you to walk all over others

I did teach you to eat with a spoon ~ But I didn’t teach you to use one to cook heroin

I did teach you how to dress yourself ~ But I didn’t teach you to dress to cover your track marks

I did teach you how to tie your shoe-laces ~ But I didn’t teach you how to use them as a tool in shooting up

I did teach you to stretch your muscles ~ But I didn’t teach you to use them to bully or intimidate

I did teach you how to ride a bike ~ But I didn’t teach you that one day it would be all that you have

I did teach you how to manipulate numbers, to add and subtract ~ But I didn’t teach you how manipulate others.

I did teach you that love is a gift ~ But I didn’t teach you to use it as a weapon to get what you want

I did teach you that the door is always open ~ But I didn’t teach you that one day we might have to shut it.

I did what all parents do… but I have to do what no parent wants to do.

Teach you that I have to shut the door.