The last 4 weeks as I have worked through the “Seeking Him” workbook (by Nancy Leigh DeMoss and Tim Grissom) it has been some of the hardest work I’ve had to do.
As I seek personal revival in my spiritual walk one of the themes that keeps hitting me is that I have to “get real” about where I am, where I’ve been and with what I still struggle. Not an easy endeavor I must admit. Staring at my-self in the mirror of Christ has been a stark contrast to where I thought I was. Let me share just a few of the first “getting personal” questions from week one;
• Do I love what God loves and hate what He hates?
• Am I willing to sacrifice whatever is necessary to see God move in my life and church (time, convenience, comfort, reputation, pleasure and so on?)
• Am I more concerned about what God thinks about my life then what others think?
I thought I loved what God loved and hated what He hated, but as I dug into what that looked like I was sadly mistaken. There were a number of places that I knew I sat on the fence, and even some places where I had to say… no… not that! So I climbed down off the fence, got on my knees before God, opened up my clenched fists and said “I don’t want this anymore” I want what you want, please take this and cover it once and for all with your Son’s blood. Help me to never look for it again. For I want to be like you, to love what you love and hate what you hate.
Sacrifice… again another word that hung heavily on my heart. Am I willing to give my time? I do. That one I could say a hearty yes to… but sometimes the time required isn’t convenient. I have to say that I have grumbled at the amount of time this revival process is taking, has taken out of my life, away from my beloved and my little man. And as it has gotten down and dirty with what God is calling me too… there is no way I could say it has been comfortable. Matter of fact it has been ugly and it has hurt. And just when my reputation has gotten to a place where I feel like I can hold my head up… God is calling me to completely humble myself. To admit that my first baptism at the age of 10 was a farce, that for 30 years I talked the talked but I wasn’t walking the walk. I carried the name Christian around like it was a name tag you wore. That if I’m honest, I got real about an intimate relationship with God 6 years ago, on my knees sobbing like a baby on my kitchen floor. That memory is burned into my heart. Twice now I have felt the call on my heart to “again” go through the waters of baptism… this time though… this time will be because I want to follow Jesus! not my friends.
I can honestly say that here in the 5th week of this process I can truly say I don’t care what others think about me, I care about what God thinks about me. I want what He wants, and I am willing to sacrifice for Him. I will submit and be re-baptized, because Its Him I want to please.