Belts and Spoons…

I can clearly remember the day I found the syringes under my son’s mattress now some 29 months ago.  I remember falling to my knees and sobbing harder than I have sobbed in years.   The realization of his addiction to drugs and that it had manifested to the point of IV drug use seemed more then I could bare back then.  For days I walked around in a haze trying to process all that was in front of me.

For those of you new to this hellish place, hold on; the ride is ugly in the beginning, I will be the first to admit that.  It’s one of the worst rollercoasters one can take emotionally.  Eventually you find strength, you begin processing, you start researching, and looking for help to somehow end the nightmare.

I’ve grown a lot since that awful day; I’ve still cried now and again, have been angry and hurt. Yet there came a point along the way where I started to realize the best way to help my son was to work on me.  My friend over at Addiction Journal wrote an amazing post called The Mirror, I strongly suggest you take a moment and read it, there are some hard questions there that we will face in the battle our children fight when addicted.  Questions we will struggle with, yet I challenge you to settle them in your heart.  By doing so you will find that next level of strength.

This past weekend, as I cleaned out my down stairs bathroom linen closet and vanity I came across some bent spoons and belts.  Both tools in my son’s addiction.  I found three of each; all put there since that fateful day 29 months ago.  (I know that because I tore my house apart back then looking for whatever I could find and got rid of it).  Instead of falling on my knees and sobbing, I was able to work through it on a completely different level as I’m further along on my own journey.

I used it as a reminder that along the way I enabled and coddled and these belts and spoons were there because I hadn’t settled those hard questions in my mind.  It took time and it took my son overdosing in his room a year and half ago to get serious about doing all I could to end my enabling and to see it for what it was… I was enabling him to death.

Today he is clean, in a program and about to embark on the next leg of that journey.  My house is once again clean and free of drug paraphernalia and I am praying his life will follow suit.

4 comments on “Belts and Spoons…

  1. You have come a long way Baby…keep moving in the direction of forward. This is a nightmare that does have an end. You have done the work of twenty to get to where you are, so happy to hear that you have gotten to this place. Hard as we try, we cannot do it for them…hard as it is to believe at first, stepping aside and allowing consequences is the step needed most to create change in our addicted loved ones. Many Blessing to you and yours.

    • susanjsilva says:

      I am so glad along the way I found out that there were even questions I had to ask myself. Decisions I needed to make and had to decide if I would stand firm in them… letting him fall, letting couch surf, and even sleep in an abandoned house (and be arrested) we all lessons that have helped push him along in his journey, as well as push me along in mine.

      Hard things but so glad I’ve been willing to take it all in and use to to gain strength. Thank you Elaine for your example and your courage as too fight this fight along side many of us.

  2. dave and deb says:

    as usual you describe our life with our son,electronics stolen, bank account stolen from, stolen checks cashed ( bank didn;t notice) bottles of water with no caps how funny, spoons found bent and black, needles in my diabetic needle disposal way too big for me and on and on and on i finally had enough in january and forced him to high point in plymouth then to css finally to interim house in dorchester he has been almost 8 weeks clean and maybe by the grace of god has found the best place for him

    • susanjsilva says:

      So very thankful for his 8 weeks… I will keep you in my prayers that this will be his time.
      My son is leaving Plymouth HP today and is heading for Pine Street SOAP… just 3 weeks clean.

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