The last few weeks have been daunted with grief; my heart has been agitated and filled with hopelessness. I had hoped I was done grieving the losses. Done grieving it all. We forget that grieving is part of the process, that the road isn’t always full of sunshine and roses. That there are dark stretches of the road, where shadows loom and the night falls. I wish grieving was done in one fell swoop that we could just “cry that river” and it would be done. But grieving doesn’t work that way. It doesn’t work that way with those I have loved that have passed from this life and it doesn’t work that way on the Road marked Addiction.
I lost my dad nearly 11 years ago now, I remember the initial grieving period, the feeling of loss, and the hole that was left in our lives and how dark that hole seemed for quite some time. Over time that painfulness of grieving lifted, and it wasn’t so fresh and deep anymore. Yet there have been moments that have come, that have brought with them a fresh wave of grief.
Like when my little man was born, just 15 months after my dad passed. He would be the first grandchild my dad would never know…
And then there was the time my car started acting up and I realized my dad was not there to tell the symptoms too…
Every February when NASCAR’s first race comes and I hear the National Anthem sung and those words…”Gentlemen START your Engines”
So why would I think grieving my son’s life of addiction would be any different. Why would I think that it would be done in one fell swoop, that back in 2009 when I hurt so deep I thought I was going to die, that that was it, no more grieving needed. Why would I think this darkness wouldn’t befall me now and again when his life spins out of control and the Hope seems to have left?
And Grief seems to win for the moment.
I’m foolish to think I won’t grieve along the way. That my road of Recovery won’t have those dark moments, ones that will cause me sleepless nights, and a heart that seems to have lost hope.
Then the morning comes, and we walk just a bit further down the road and the sun breaks over the crest and we see it again.
Both last night and this morning I was crying out to God to lift this darkness from me, to give me a new Hope. (actually I have been asking this for days now) and there it was this morning, calling me out of my bed early… as I sat at the kitchen table with coffee in one hand and my bible and phone in the other. I opened my Facebook and there at the very top was this from my son’s Facebook page:
thank u for wat u have put me through, the past yrs. my life was a mess and know i have made it better by turning it around i know it has not been that long but i do not want to go back to it and i also want to thank u for putting this beautiful girl into my life she is the greatest girl i have ever met i believe that u put her in my life and i just want to thank u for that i also want to pray for my family to be watched over while im fixing my life for the better….
Then in my bible reading this morning I was reading Isaiah 49 which speaks to the restoration of Israel and in verse 17 it said… “soon your son (Jacob) will be brought back”… I wept with hope. (I read Isaiah 46-52 this morning and it all was just filled with the HOPE of restoration)
Those words leapt off the page as if they were written just for me, just for today.
Without the sting of grieving; we may never know the deep refreshment of the New Dawn of Hope. Know that it is ok to grieve… grieving will be part of of our Journey… But oh thank you God when the Morning comes and with it a New Dawn of Hope is given.